We Found God On Yelp
Tracking Yelp's Best Catholic Masses in NYC With A Friend
Written by myself and by bud A***** G***** for our Univerity Paper, now with photos.
Has Fordham University(our Uni) been a religious journey for you? Despite four years of Jesuit education and decades of Catholic school, We still find the tradcath revivalism of our peers cringe. We don’t even lie to our grandparents about not going to mass anymore. Yet there is something to be said about the ecstatic religious artwork, the “drinking wine at 11 AM on a Sunday” vibe, and the honestly flamboyant sexual guilt. We have begun to fear our time at Fordham University may be our last chance to reconcile our vague Catholic cultural roots with a direct experience with the divine. In a desperate search for God, the co-authors of this article have turned to Yelp.com’s list of the Top 10 Catholic Masses, which we’ve re-ranked for the god-fearing audience of The Paper after visiting all ten in one day. If we cannot find our religion here, blame the algorithm.
10. St Francis Xavier: We must have gone to the wrong Francis Xavier church. This was just a normal rectangle, non-church-shaped building attached to a Catholic school, and that made me an atheist the first time around. I went to a comedy show 5 minutes away from here a week before I visited, and the idea of seeing Ivy Wolk in my Sunday best did not make me feel closer to God. This did nothing for us.
9. Saint Agnes Church: You know that $1.50 Pizza spot by Grand Central Terminal? There’s actually an entire church right next to it. $1.50 Pizza is the only miracle I’ve ever experienced, but this is a generally pretty and quaint modernist church for its location. I was impressed by the logo, a white icon of a lamb, and a cross over a creamsicle orange banner. What’s the point of a missionary religion without brand identity?
8. Church of the Most Precious Blood: All I’m saying is that this church is about 3 minutes away from Canal St. station in Chinatown, but I didn’t see a single host of the Red Scare podcast attend Sunday mass here. This is the ideal tradcath LES influencer church. With how edgy the Church’s name is combined with the architecture’s ecclesiastical flare, you’d think Dimes Square would go to confession.
7. Church of the Blessed Sacrament: A midtown church feels like a pop-up store. You’re walking down the same Duane Reade-infested corner of 70th Street when, boom, gothic stonework belies shelter and free bathrooms. We overheard a man trying to open a bank account over the phone. It’s heartening to find places in NYC where people can rest and get help.
6. St Bartholomew’s: This is a midtown church for New York Times Podcast subscribers. Outside the church, a series of QR codes for St Bartholomew’s App were plastered. Their website was smooth and minimalist, providing information about a series of public conversations called The Forum, inviting book authors and university professors to talk about AI, the Divine Feminine, and Gandhi. Can you sense it? I can. These people aren’t Catholics. Yelp Dot Com has lured us into a den of Episcopalians. I like the Ezra Klein Show as much as the next liberal, so we’ll give it a pass.
5. Church of the Ascension: Tasteful white stone face bricks, ornate stained glass windows, and warm cream-colored walls and ceilings paid with incandescent lights throughout the nave, this was no doubt a smaller and intimate church, but all the same, it was one of the most inviting. Signage for recent and recurring notices for community outreach came in many languages; you can feel a concern for the well-being of its members and broader community. Church of the Ascension reminded me, for as much as my catholic education pre-college was often “draconian,” I must recognize the social good religion can provide. What more could you ask for from a church you find on Yelp?
4. St Patricks: No doubt it is one of the most famous and beautiful locations in NYC, but this isn’t what we were looking for. Let’s be frank: it was a long day and a long string of masses, and we really, really, really needed to relieve ourselves. I found myself directed to wait in line for what looked eerily like a confession booth hidden behind a shrine to St. Andrew. A woman asked me if this was the line for confession; I had no idea what to say. By the time I was pissing in a confessional facade, I could not shake the feeling that a pesky priest was glancing at me in such a private moment of relief. Took me back to grade school, and I didn’t like it.
3. Saint Francis of Assisi: Wokeness isn’t dead in the Catholic Church, as much as any American sedavantacist chud tradcath would like you to believe. As any good liberal, we love our Jesuits, and we love our Franciscans. This church was no doubt quaint, but it seems like it’s quite busy. The Church’s website and posted paraphernalia had much to say about protecting immigrants, their LGBTQ+ and environmental ministry, as well as providing services for the elderly and the unhomed, who, at the time we got out, seemed to find refuge in this place. If all Catholic institutions looked out for the marginalized, this visibly, baby, they’d have less of a stink on their reputation.
2. Trinity Church Wall Street: I’m sick and tired of Yelp lying to me, again, when we found this list on Yelp, it said “Top 10 Best Catholic Mass Near New York,” and it keeps taking us to these Episcopal schisms. Still, this is a literal bright spot in the financial district with how huge and gorgeous their illuminated central stained glass pane is. Also, Alexander Hamilton is buried here in case you want to pay your respects to him since you got duped by Lin-Manuel Miranda in middle school into liking a founding father who wanted to turn the United States into an oligarchy. He would’ve loved Elon Musk, and you know it: grow up and watch more musicals.
1. Cathedral of St John the Divine: Okay, so the Cathedral is gorgeous and massive and has a pride flag outside, and the street is named cathedral row after it or whatever, but we don’t even fucking care. Right outside the cathedral is the “Peace Fountain,” which is the single most ridiculous and awesome statue either of us has ever seen. Picture it: a 40-foot Archangel Michael facing off against Satan while nine peaceful giraffes spring out of a giant crab that is also a fountain. The whole scene is crowned by a smiling sun and sleepy moon perched atop a massive DNA helix meant to spew water. A garden of bronze animals made by children surrounds the base because, apparently, this beauty needed cute sidepieces. Also, the Cathedral was Episcopalian again! Heck, sometimes the best Catholic mass experience is Episcopalian, whatever. Thank you, Yelp.
This was such a fun read! Well done! 👏